How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I wish they made helmets for livers.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
