Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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