Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
