My liver just broke up with me...
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
