dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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