I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
