He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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