and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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