I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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