My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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