New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
