I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Randomize
