Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
