im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
