Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
