I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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