I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Come see our sink grown plant.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
