Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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