Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
