What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
