I seem to have left my pride at pride
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Randomize
