She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
