just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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