I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Randomize
