she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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