Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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