I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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