Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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