I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
