i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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