Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
