Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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