I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
