finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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