he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
