so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
My pussy is not your playground.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Randomize
