If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Why can't burritos get me drunk
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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