Umm I'm too high to move.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Randomize
