grandma shit on top of the toilet
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
this beer tastes like vomit already
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Randomize
