Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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