Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
