He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
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