i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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