I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Randomize
