You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
