His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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