If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
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