I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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