I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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