The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
