Sorry, I don't speak sober.
do herpes really smell.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
