And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
